WATCH – A nearly 100-pound tortoise named Lard escaped his Denver-area home with ‘no sense of urgency’

Somewhere in Littleton, a tortoise named Lard made a break for it. He had big travel plans, a head start and absolutely no reason to hurry.

The Jefferson County Sheriff’s Office shared bodycam video last week of what it called the “world’s slowest escape.” On Aug. 31, Animal Control Officer McMullen answered a call about a tortoise wandering around a Littleton neighborhood. He found Lard, a Sulcata tortoise weighing just under 100 pounds, in the middle of the street while a woman tried and failed to move him along. The sheriff’s office described him as having “big travel plans and absolutely no sense of urgency,” which is also how most of us approach Monday mornings. “After escaping a fenced yard, Lard headed out for a neighborhood adventure,” the office wrote.

If you’ve never met a Sulcata, picture a coffee table with opinions. They’re one of the biggest tortoise species on Earth. They come from the southern edge of the Sahara, love to dig, and can live 70 years or more. A tortoise that size doesn’t get picked up and carried away unless he feels like it. The bodycam video shows Officer McMullen hauling all 100 pounds of Lard back home, and it’s clear Lard wasn’t in any rush to help.

Colorado’s wildlife and pets have had a busy September. A bear climbed out of a garbage truck in Castle Rock. Another bear raided a bakery booth at the Aspen farmers market. Colorado Springs firefighters are begging residents to stop climbing trees after their cats. Lard is the first escape artist of the month who could have been caught by someone walking, and he still needed a sheriff’s department escort. Here’s hoping his fence got an upgrade and he’s back to his real job: eating grass and ignoring everyone.