Dating and disappointment go together like peanut butter and jelly. I’ve been told that my problem is that I still have hope. That is absolutely true and I’m actually good with still having hope. If I didn’t I would never be able to keep dating! It’s a crazy, crazy world out there my friends. My married friends say, oh that sounds like fun. Yep- like a hot poker to the eye. Yet despite the craziness, I am thankful for the lessons and thankful that I now know exactly what I want and can spot crazy a mile away. Here are just a few of the things I’ve learned so far:
1. ANYONE can seem like the perfect match until you meet them. A girlfriend was telling me the story of her ice cream man. They met online, texted and were set to meet for ice cream. She was absolutely gaga over him from their texting conversations and was sure that he was the one. She was skipping down the sidewalk towards the ice cream shop when he turns the corner and her heart dropped like ice cream on a sidewalk. He looked nothing like his pictures and Mr. Ice Cream was never going to be ‘it’. Skip the judgement about how looks don’t matter – they matter. It’s primal – you’re attracted to who you’re attracted to and that’s okay!
2. Don’t ignore the little red flags! Seriously, some of us want to believe the best in people, so we ignore the icebergs. Wanting to believe the best and hope = deadly combination in the dating world. Little red flags in the beginning…BIG RED FLAGS down the road. I met Mr. Greek Man online and thought – wow, this guy is awesome. Handsome, well established and loved his family. He also communicated well, cooked and had an amicable relationship with his ex. The red flag? He made numerous comments about how he liked women to be women. What? Doesn’t sound like a deal breaker, but it was the red flag. Upon meeting him for dinner he did a couple of questionable things; first he pulled me toe to toe with him and measured me (can’t make this up!). Charming. Mind you this is in a nice restaurant and I felt like cattle at an auction. Why did I let him? Oh, I thought he was going to hug me when he pulled me up and had no idea he was going to put his hand on top of my head like a ruler. THEN he grabbed my hands, checks out my nails and announces “Hmm, you seem to really like natural nails.” Apparently these things were important to him and what he deemed as ‘feminine’. That’s his right, but that little red flag I ignored had just embarrassed me and bit me in the booty. I should have asked him, what do you mean you like women being women? Lesson learned.
3. He pursues you like crazy until he HAS you. Oh girlfriend this one really stinks and let’s be honest, hurts. Mr. I can’t get enough of you/Where have you been all my life/I finally found you is nothing but a professional chaser. He’s like the greyhound at the track chasing the rabbit. He likes the chase, but honestly doesn’t want to catch the rabbit. You/me/us being the trusting souls; think wow a man who is pursuing me! You start acting too interested (sarcasm here), initiating texts and calls and poof! Mr. Greyhound has left the track but at a very slow pace. It’s different than ghosting, this is the epitome of the ‘fade away’. He slowly disappears but still randomly texts you to keep you on the ‘hook’. Geez, he might just want you again someday, especially if you start acting uninterested! Solution: Block that number girl!
4. Mr. Talks Dirty way too soon! You know the person I’m talking about here. Most likely he is charming, funny and sexy. In fact, after just a little bit of chit chat he takes the conversation in ‘that direction’ every time. He tells you that it’s you and that he is just sooooo attracted/enamored/over the moon for you(umm…he probably hasn’t even met you in person yet!). He’s flattering, but you know and feel that red flag. Why does every comment have a strong physical undertone? Why? Because this is his MO and he is most likely obsessed with this portion of the relationship life world. Seriously, walk away girlfriend – walk away! Unless this is all that you want (no judgement) walk away and again, BLOCK that number!
5. If he/she doesn’t have time for you in the beginning, they never will have time for you. This is all about being real and recognizing what is right in front of you. This person always answers work call, texts and emails but only responds to you when they ‘have time’. The conversations are clipped with you, but elaborate when it comes to work. Bottom line, you will never be as important as work. I have found this is really common in dating as we get older and careers are established. If the person is self-aware, they’d tell you that they used work as an escape from a previously unhappy relationship and sometimes still do. Majority of people don’t have that self-awareness and just go with what worked didn’t work in the past. If you want to soar in a relationship with balance, this work ostrich isn’t for you. Walk away. It’s not your job to fix them!
There are so many more, but I’ll save those for another blog. Digest these and commit them to memory. In my opinion if you don’t give these people your bucket full of hope, you can save it for someone who deserves it and wants it. I’m not saying kill your hope, I’m a hopeless romantic remember? I’m just saying don’t get on the Titanic expecting smooth sailing. Get on another ship girlfriend!
Still my favorite boy…